For Your Friday Viewing Pleasure

Several species of furry animals gathered together in a cave and grooving with pict.

Heh.

That's a joke between me and Roger Waters.



But seriously, what is it with me and music videos featuring women who sing with an accent?

Oh...and the large furries.

I am so not totally into that kind of lifestyle. I'm much more the straight-laced, Anne of Green Gables type.

For instance, I do NOT have the Big Girl Webkinz site bookmarked.

And that is NOT the UPS guy walking up the drive with my Fleegle costume.

Nosireethankyouverymuch.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you.

It's just that one time I had to wear a bobble-head Clifford costume for an event at the bookstore, and let me tell you, the smell of hot scalp sweat is overwhelming inside those things. And I understand that some folks might find that smell of twice-baked sebum to be a romantic turn on...

Mickey Mouse, for one...

but, I'll pass.

Out.

And yet my fascination with people in stuffed animal costumes. I'll just never understand myself, in spite of $12,000 worth of therapy.

Enjoy!

Do You Believe In Science?

Here at Chateau Halushki, we're all gaa-gaa about Science.

See here:

My kids drink out of beakers, not sippy cups.

I use a Bunsen Burner to warm their Ovaltine every morning.

And Terzo's first word was "Copernicus", I swear to...

uh...

I swear to...Richard Dawkins.

Eh-hem. Boy, that was a tricky one.

So when Parent Bloggers Network put out the call to write about how we're bringing Science back to our kids, well, the question for us was moot. And the answer redundant. And the answer redundant.

Bring Science back?

Well Jumping Ibn al-Haytham! It's never left!

See, I have an absolute adoration for and infatuation with Science. It's like Science is a tight-jeaned, sandy-haired teen idol from 1977 singing its number one cover of "Da Doo Ron Ron", and I'm a giggly girl with a retainer and a pair of Earth Shoes and a copy of Judy Blume's Forever hidden under my mattress. Omigod, I, like, wanna marry Science and have, like, a million of its babies! Science is just so dreamy and cute!

And I think - scratch that - I know that my love of Science is just spilling over onto my kids like a bucketful of Tab Cola .

Here's a sampling of some of the many things I say throughout that day that become just one, long ooey-gooey fan letter to Science.

"Hey kids, if you love Pop Rocks, thank a chemist!"

"Listen to me girls: Boyfriends come and boyfriends go, but I could never live in a world without Novocaine."

"Did you know that in many languages the word for God and the word for duct tape is the same?"

Ah, Science...swoon. Making my life both livable and worth living.

And now, thanks to Parent Blogger Network, I find out that there is a new online science newsletter just for kids called Zula Intergalactic Inquirer.

And guess what? My kids had a good ole time noodling around on the Zula website this afternoon. That's saying quite a bit coming from a couple of kids who usually use all their allotted computer time on that stuffed animal site.

Me?

I'm going to post the link right over my bed so I can stare at it every night before I go to sleep.

OOOOohhhhhh! Science! Do you even know I exist?

Alvie Singer and Family

Scene: 10:30 PM and all children are supposed to be fast asleep. Mother stealing an uninterrupted hour to type a Very Important Blog Post. Pitter patter of little feet down the stairs.

6-year-old Child: Mommy, I can't sleep.

Mother: Why not, Honey? What's wrong?

Child: I keep thinking bad things.

Mother: Oh no! What are you thinking about? Was Scooby Doo Meets The Mummy too scary before bedtime?

Child: No, not Scooby Doo. I keep thinking about what you said at Girl Scouts.

Mother: What I said...? What did I say at Girl Scouts?

Child: It was when you were talking about outer space.

Mother: Hmmm. Honey, I really can't think of anything I said that might have been frightening. Can you tell me what scared you?

Child: You said that the sun is four billion years old...

Mother: Well, yes...give or take.

Child: ...and that it would burn out soon.

Mother: Uh, well...not soon. Not for about another four billion years. Give or take.

Child: But I keep thinking about what will happen to us when it burns out!

Mother: Well, Honey, I'm thinking that barring some sort of miraculous anti-aging serums or exceedingly good luck, we're not going to be around in four billion years to find out.

Child: Why? Where will I be?!

Mother: Uh...well...you do understand that the average Western human lifespan is around eighty...

Child whimpers.

Mother: I mean...nine..

Child whimpers and sniffles.

Mother: ...a hundred and twenty years old?

Child: That's not a lot of time! What will we do when the sun goes out! Where will all the people live?! What will happen to the animals?!

Mother: Hmmm. Well, I'm thinking that in the next four billion years, someone will figure out a solution.

Child: Maybe build a spaceship to travel to another planet?

Mother: Uhm...hmmmm...

Child sniffles and bites lower lip.

Mother: Yes! Of course! A spaceship is entirely possible!

Child: And all the animals?

Mother: Absolutely! All the animals too!

Child: And my toys?

Mother: Of course!

Child: Okay.

Mother: Do you feel better now?

Child: Yes.

Mother: Okay. Now, back up to bed. Mommy is doing her Mommy stuff.

Child: Good night, Mommy.

Mother: Good night.

Mother resumes typing. 10 minutes later, the pitter patter of slightly larger feet down the stairs.

9-year-old Child: I can't sleep.

Mother: What's wrong, Dear?

Child: You know how Daddy said that the universe is expanding?

Mother:

Child: You know how the universe is expanding, and...

Mother: Wouldn't you rather talk about the monster under your bed?

Child: No.

Mother: The monster in your closet?

Child: No.

Mother: You sure?

Child: You know how the universe is expanding....


Fin.

WELCOME PATRIOT READERS! Yes, this is the place!

nataliedee.com

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I'll explain all this in a minute, but for the time being, I need to welcome the entire readership of the Harrisburg Patriot News.

Well, okay, maybe not the entire readership, but those few thousand people...

hundred people?

All right, a bunch of yous guys who are wandering in, checking the place out, wondering what's all the hub-bub about Mommy Bloggers.

C'mon in!

Find a seat!

Uhm, careful on that one...the baby just learned how to use a screwdriver and is taking all the arms off the dining room chairs. I can't vouch for safety of the legs, either, but my homeowner's insurance is paid-up, so we got yer back on any broken...backs.

And just step over the Legos on the floor.

And the slice of toast.

I swear, my imaginary cleaning lady is usually here every Saturday, but this weekend I was busy imagining a vacation in Cuacao with my cabana boy, Hans, so I didn't have time to imagine a tidy house.

Eh-hem.

So hey!

Welcome to my blog!

Yes, I am a Mommy Blogger insofar as I'm a mommy who blogs. That would be "blog" as a verb, which should be a first immediate hint that it's pretty much the wild west here as far as wholesale slaughtering of the English language. However, never fear! I do possess a degree in English, so I pretty much (should) know what I'm doing as far as making-up words, using creative spelling, and...uh...utilizing festive...grammar and...syntactical...thingies.

What I do at this here blog is write about, basically, whatever strikes my fancy.

A lot of it is about my kids. (Click on the colored words/links to view other posts.)

Some of it is about my husband.

Much of it is about me and my need to down a 2-pound bar of chocolate and a gin and tonic every evening.

And I would need to do that because I have kids. And a husband.

Heh...just kidding about the gin and tonic.

(Gotta be careful about what I write, now that I've been "outted". My kids' teachers will never look at me the same way. I swear I don't smell like lime and juniper berries. And to further prove that I so rule as a mom, look at these sweet posts about my gorgeous daughters. And there's a whole blog for the boy. Awwww! Aren't I the best?)

So, to start you off and give you a taste of Halushki, you may want to take a gander at some of the following posts.

Here is something I wrote that is lovingly referred to as The Bat Post.

Click on this link here:

The Bat Post

It's been over a year since this incident, and my gynecologist/obstetrician still calls me The Bat Lady. Which lost its charm after the second time she called me The Bat Lady, but it is still kind of funny to freak out the pregnant women in the waiting room with our witty repartee about "foaming at the mouth" and "sleeping upside-down ". Makes them wonder if they missed reading a chapter in What To Expect When You're Expecting.


For helpful parenting assvice advice, you just must read this post on baby-proofing:

Parent Hack


And here's my erudite wisdom on how to handle picky-eaters:

My Daughter Only Eats Pop Tarts


If you're newly pregnant, then this post is where you want to begin freaking out...I mean, this is where you learn how to freak out the Zen way:

The Epic Post Is Not About Bats


And if you know someone who is newly pregnant, then you may want to brush up on

What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman

and then take notes on how to batten down hormonal hatches here:

Guess I'll Go Eat Worms


See how helpful I am?

You're welcome!

However, here at Chateau Halushki, we are so much more than a uterus and nine years of changing diapers.

Why lookee here! Delicious cooking recipes!

Eggplant, Oh Eggplant!

Pet care!

One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, Bluefish

Visitors' Guide To Pennsylvania!

Come For The Cheesesteaks, Stay For The Potholes

Where to purchase the best homegrown in the state!

Dude...Sssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Home improvement tips!

Mission Accomplished


And my script for an upcoming television show about all the wacky things that happen when a retail worker regularly comes in contact with a public hopped-up on one too many double-espresso lattes.

Welcome To Planet Earth


So have a look around! Check out the links on the sidebar to the left to view my archived posts and to meet some of my favorite bloggers from Mommyblogdom and beyond. Take a peek at my sister's blog about raising goats and living in an icebox.

And thanks for stopping by!

Feel free to bookmark me and to visit often.

I'm so much cheaper than cable television, and no annoying commercials for diets and hair removal products.

Because if nothing else, Halushki is about body hair and lots of chocolate.

Uh...I mean, humor and parenting!

(And lots of chocolate.)

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Much thanks to the amazing and talented Ms. Shawn of Letters To my Daughters for her write-up in the Patriot. I'd never been interviewed before, and Shawn caught me after a long night of cranky, sleepless, teething baby, and honestly, I have only the vaguest recollection of our conversation. I do remember mumbling something about needing a caffeine IV, and that's it. Thank you for your graceful way with words and for making me sounds coherent and awesome. I do, in fact, have my Mommy game on, but I do sometimes have trouble with the spoken language. All those double-consonants trip me up.

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And on this, the near 3 Year Anniversary of Halushki, I'd like to especially thank my fabulous and wonderful, long-suffering husband. Without him, I'd never be able to fix my broken Internet connections, but - more importantly - I would never be able to find the time to write. He does dishes, folks. And he gets up with children in the middle of the night, which also happens to be one of the only times I do have to write. He even brings me coffee in bed.

And he lets me use him as blogging material. It's not every spouse who'd allow himself to be the punchline of a good public teasing. He's a great sport and my personal patron of the arts. He deserves more smooches than I give him.

Or than he actually wants.

Because, damn, my coffee breath is the worst.

Sign Up Now! UPDATE! Now with Date Winner!

Hey gang!

Did you sign-up for the fever-headache-puking-sore throat contest?

Because our household was lucky enough to win, and we only entered one time - when Terzo licked Thomas the Tank Engine at a some community play table in some big box store.

However, I think that there are entries still available

Check out your local supermarket. An easy way to win big is when your six year old runs her hands along every counter surface and display and then tries to pick a popcorn out of her teeth.

If that doesn't work, you can send your oldest child to school. Or have her play with someone who has been in school recently. Or have her play with someone who has played with someone who has been to school in the past few days.

I hear that fever-puking-headache-sore throat is all the rage in elementary school.

That and High School Musical.

Whhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

It's the best!

Yay.

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Now that we're done that, and it seems that the ice and wind are giving me my computer back, I'll have the winner of the Win A Date With Jozet Contest posted later this evening.

I think there were three entries.

So if you've entered, your chances of winning this contest are actually even better than getting sick with whatever hit our house in the past week.

See ya in a bit.

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Later that evening...

I've been trying to post a video of the contest drawing, and Blogger is thumbing its nose at me. Let me try posting to YouTube and see what happens. Thank you for your continued patience.

--------------------------------
OKAY FINALLY! The exciting moment you've all been waiting for!

First, I'd like to say GO ME for being so secure and self-assured that I can post video of me not wearing a lick of makeup AND with my hair in the same barrette and styling I went to sleep in last night.

I'm nothing if not confident.

But mostly lazy.

Second, I'd like to request that everyone kindly ignore my kitchen, including (but not limited to) the Seagram's bottle on the counter and the smudgey microwave. The cleaning lady comes on Thursdays...Thursdays in my imagination.

The Seagram's bottle was for a special...recipe. Yea, that's it. A recipe.

Whiskey and Cornflakes, I think it's called.

ANYWAY!

Thee Winner of the Win A Date With Jozet Contest iiiisssssssssssss...



And there was much rejoicing!

WHOOT!

Now, if for any reason the winner cannot make the date - you know, gets a painful hangnail or decides that it would just be too anxiety-provoking to spend an evening with me and my ax murdering tendencies - the runner-up would be my husband. My husband sincerely begs the winner not to get ill or to reconsider because, according to my husband, he's already heard his allotted quota of accordion rock-and-roll this year. That quota being zero.

Also, remember, if anyone would like to join us for food or drink or high-stepping gypsy-polka madness, just say the word! There's room enough in Philly for all of us. Although, I'm not sure whether the Gogol Bordello concert is sold out yet. It's at the Electric Factory on March 1st. Be there or be...not there. Or maybe be at the movies. Or be stitching hems on your kids' pants. Or be out at your clogging lessons. I dunno what it is yous guys do when you're not with me. Mostly weep, I suppose....

The winner of the box of Thin Mints will be announced tomorrow.

Don't you love a cliffhanger?

The Really Big Announcement!

nataliedee.com

First of all!

In searching for an appropriate graphic to accompany my Really Big Announcement, I found this super The Awezome…blog would you call it? Web site? Anywho, it’s called Natalie Dee and I’m just thinking her graphics are way neato. Even the really irreverent and vulgar ones. (But don’t tell my kids I said so.)

Why, there’s this one.

And this one.

And this one is me by 5:30 every Monday night.

Look at that! I just stumbled upon Natalie Dee, and I’m in love with her already. Unless “Natalie Dee” is the name of a group, in which case, I’m in love with them.

So!

The Really Big Announcement!

Okay! Here it is!

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhhhht…NOW!

It’s the

“WIN A DATE WITH JOZET” CONTEST!

Whooo Hoooo!!!!

whoo?

hoo?

*crickets*

Okay, well first of all, it isn’t really a date because I’m already happily married, and I’m not an Osmond. And, also, you aren’t going to get to first base with me no matter how many margaritas you feed me, and I don’t care if you do arrive at the date wearing a Meatloaf mask and singing Paradise By The Dashboard Light, it just ain’t happening. So put that rumor to rest right now.

Second of all, if you’re an Internet ax murderer thinking that I’m a tasty morsel, or if you’re just a real weirdo thinking “Golly, but wouldn‘t it be fun to keep Madame Jozet locked in my basement and dressed up in a Hillary Clinton mask", well think again. 'Cause I know karate. And if you lock me in your basement, I'd actually probably enjoy the quiet time.

Anyway, at no time will we ever be alone together (in fact, at all times, we will be in very crowded, busy venues with security cameras and trained tigers) so if you're thinking that Madame Jozet just might be the bigger weirdo - and I might be - you'll be safe from me. You're also free to bring along your own chaperon and/or body guard and/or trained tiger.

I don't mind.

It's so rare that I get to feel dangerous. It's so exotic.

ANYWAY anyway, if you are also thinking

“Cool!

I want to meet Madame Jozet in Philadelphia on March 1 and go to Alayan’s on 4th Street for some mouth-watering schawarma*, down a pitcher of margarita’s** at CopaBanana***, and then head to the Electric Factory to get crazy with Gogol Bordello!!”

then this is the contest for you!

Now, I do understand that this contest is a bit geographically limited. (See Alternate Contest below if you’re out of spitting range or if you’re allergic to cheese steaks.)

I mean, I do suppose that there could be readers out there who are so ga-ga over the thought of sitting across from me and watching me chew shawarma with my mouth open that they’d book air travel to Philadelphia.

However, I’m not betting on it.

But! If you are within spitting distance of Philadelphia and you think that a night of food, drink, and crazy mad dancing for two hours straight with Yours Truly sounds like heck-a-fun, then pay attention, friend!

CONTEST RULES:

Actually, I haven’t thought this part through.

Sorry.

I was originally thinking of making the “Win A Date With Jozet” a charity auction, but how embarrassing would that be if the winner only bid two bits? I’d be the laughing stock at Angelina Jolie’s next cocktail party.

Then I was thinking of an essay contest…“Why I Want To Spend A Night With Madame Jozet!“ But then I’d have to grade all the essays, and my last red pen just ran out of ink.

A haiku contest crossed my mind…but that’s been so overdone.

How about this!

How about I let each contestant make up her/his own rules for the contest, and then enter according to those rules?

Wow!

That’s like so post-post-post-modern it may not even exist as a concept or philosophy, yet!

So, for example, you might want to enter the contest by submitting a photo of your ugliest shirt, and then threaten to wear that shirt on the date!

OR! OR! You might want to write a list of word associations beginning with “Halushki”!

OR! Maybe you do want to write an essay entitled “Most Unique” and then try not to use the words “butter” or “onions” in that essay. Not as easy as it sounds, let me tell you!

It’s the Anarchy Contest!

Maybe not…

Anyway, you can submit your entry in one of several ways:

ENTRY GUILDELINES:

1. Post your entry in the comments, or
2. Post your entry in your blog and let me know the link, or
3. Email your entry to yonkogirl808 @ yahoo . com (except leave out all those spaces.)

Contest is open to everyone****! just everyone*****! including family and friends who really know me. Although, can anyone say that they really, really know me?

CONTEST DEADLINE: Sunday, February 10 at 3:37 PM EST Winner will be chosen by random drawing of all entries. That means that I’m going to put everyone’s name in a hat and have the baby pick one name.

And, just because I don’t want to leave anyone out…


ALTERNATE CONTEST NUMBER ONE

Same non-rules as above, but the winner receives a brand new, unopened, highly sought after box of THIN MINT GIRL SCOUT COOKIES signed by Yours Truly. And yes, I will ship worldwide. (I’m guessing that I’m allowed to ship cookies worldwide? As long as they aren‘t wrapped in hemp or Japanese beetles?) Although, I can’t promise that some postal worker in Labrador won’t open the box and eat them. Thin Mints are that good.

Same entry guidelines and deadlines.

ALTERNATE “DATE WITH JOZET”

If you were already thinking of buying your own ticket to see Gogol Bordello at The Electric Factory any which way, and you want to get together for shawarma and or booze and or just dancing, let me know! I mean, if you want to meet up with me. If not…uh…I suppose I understand that, too. I tend to mooch money for beers. Otherwise, the more the merrier!

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I still might do a charity auction.

Or, rather, charity blackmail.

Someone - who shall remain nameless **cough cough** Kenny **cough cough** -
someone had a bit too much nectar of the Gopher Gods at the Boilo Party and ended the night with a little booty boogie with his doopa (i.e. “backside” or “buttocks“) hanging out in the altogether.

It wasn’t pretty.

But it was pretty hairy.

And I thought that I could take bids to either show the bare booty photo online, or counter bids to not show the photo online.

Right now, I’m blackmailing someone **cough cough** Kenny **cough cough** into purchasing a case of Thin Mints to not show the photo. We’ll see if “someone” comes through. I need to sell a lot of Thin Mints because Girl Scout camp is getting expensive.

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So! There it is!

Have fun, enter soon and be creative. Or not. No points deducted for being lame. Or added for being extra cute.

And if I don’t get any entries at all, well in that case I’ll just have to bring along my husband (who does not want to see Gogol Bordello, but who I can bribe with Thin Mints) and think of a better prize next time.

Like a tour of my refrigerator. Or a pair of socks.


* Or cheese steaks. Or meal of your choice.
** Or rootbeer floats. Or milk. Or drink of your choice.
*** At establishment of your choice
****ax murderers not included
*****Mitt Romney not included

And if you think those dudes were cute...

or...whatever...

Just take a look at this guy!


18 months old and very, very munchable.

And way hip, too.


Bono, watch your back.

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Right now, I'm off to the Annual Groundhog Day-Boilo Competition-Tony and Frank's Birthday/Lost Weekend Bash. This year, it's a Mardi Gras theme, and I'm putting together my Marie Laveau costume as we speak.

Watch this space for upcoming super stupendous announcement! (...no...I'm no pregnant...) On Monday, all will be revealed Mes Chers Amis!

Until then...Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez!

EDIT: Monday, February 4

All right, all right yous yegs, I'll get the new post up by tonight, I promise. I thought I'd be able to get the post up during nap time today, but it didn't happen. Look for it late night, after ice-skating, gymnastics, homework and bedtime.

And now, for your Friday afternoon viewing pleasure...

Brokeback Mountain...On Ice!