If you cannot find the truth right where you are,
where else do you expect to find it?
~ Dogen
Girl Scout Leader 1: I can’t believe it’s cookie time again. Good gravy, it seems like I was just knocking on doors last week.Girl Scout Leader 2: Oh, I know. Me too. Here we go again, eh?
GSL1: Yup. Say…does your troop have any plans for the money they earn this year?
GSL2: Well, we’re just going to let the girls keep the money they earn and use it toward camp.
GSL1: Oh, that’s great. It’s fun to go to camp as a group. Less expensive, too.
GSL2: Oh we don’t go as a group. The girls just go on their own. Whatever money each girl earns, she gets to keep it and spend it as she wants.
GSL1: Hmmm. Really?
2: Yeah. If a girl doesn't fund raise as much, she doesn't get as much troop money.
1: Huh.
2: What?
1: Uh…actually, I don’t think we’re allowed to do that. You know, set up private accounts.
2: No, no…it’s not a private account. The money all goes into a troop fund, but I keep track of who earned what. Each girl gets to spend the cookie money she personally earned.
1: I uh…I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing no matter what you call it. “Keeping track of” ...or whatever.
2: Well, the Girl Scout law says to “be fair”, right? It’s not fair that girls who don’t earn as much get to spend other girls’ money.
1: I think that because we are technically a non-profit charitable organization fundraising as a charitable group that accepts federal money and that takes tax deductible donations….
2: *blink*
1: …see, the IRS says we can’t inure to the benefit of any individual based upon their fund raising ability. Or choice. It's all group money. Hem.
2: *blink blink*
1: Girls and their parents who don't fund raise still get equal access to the troop funds. It's the same as with booster clubs, more or less. You can't lock people out from funds because they don't fund raise. Or, at least that's what the IRS says about 501(c)(3) organizations. In its rules. About...playing nice.
2:
1: And anyway, the Girl Scout law also says to be honest, right? You don’t want to screw with the IRS, do you? Tax evasion? Heh heh…heh. *cough*
2: Oh please. The IRS won’t find out. And I don’t care what the United States law says. It’s just not fair!
1: Errr...did you just say, “I don’t care what the United States law says?” Because as Girl Scout leader to Girl Scout leader, I think I’m supposed to tear your Trefoil from your chest. Dramatically. And maybe even punch you in the nose. I’ll have to check on that second part.
2: Listen, I’ve got a bunch of deadbeat parents in my troop who I personally know could be doing more, working harder and earning cookie money! But they won’t! Oh and they could! They’re just a bunch of Stay At Home Moms who probably sit around getting their nails done but won’t bother to go knock on doors to sell cookies! Or crack heads who won't get a second job at the Mini-Mart to pay their bills! Or they're pretending to be mentally ill or something to get out of selling cookies!
1: *blink*
2: So those girls who have parents who don’t help them sell cookies can just sit out if they don’t want to pay up! I work and I pay for my kids' crap!
1: *blink blink*
2: Well WHAT? You telling me that the girls and parents who work hard and earn all the money are supposed to share it with the other girls who won't earn as much? Pssht. I don’t think so!
1: Don’t you own the Prius?
2: Yeah, I do!
1: With the "Perform Random Acts Of Kindness" bumper sticker?
2: Yes.
1: And the Che Guevara mud flaps?
2: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
1: Oh nothing. Just making random conversation.
2: Listen, I know these people. They just want everything handed to them without working.
1: “These people” being 8 year old girls?
2: Yes! I mean NO! I mean, I'm talking about their LAZY-ASSED parents!
1: You’re losing me. So, are you acting as a mentor in teaching the parents how to build fires and make situpons for their personal betterment and enrichment?
2: NO! I’m teaching THE KIDS! I’m a leader because I LOVE kids and want to HELP them!
1: You’re losing me again.
2: It’s SIMPLE! If a child has SUCKY PARENTS who don’t CARE ENOUGH about that child TO HELP HER earn money to participate in our scouting group activities that will HELP THAT CHILD to enrich her life IN SPITE OF her SUCKY PARENTS, then THAT CHILD who probably NEEDS OUR TROOP THE MOST because she has such SUCKY PARENTS will JUST HAVE TO NOT PARTICIPATE IN all OUR GIRL SCOUT TROOP ACTIVITIES and SUCK IT!
1: Could you go back to the second time you said "sucky"? I got lost there.
2: WHAT is it supposed to be teaching the OTHER GIRLS who DO WORK HARD and EARN MONEY?
1: Uhm. Charity? Fair play? Systematic kindness? I give up.
2: WHAT?! Are you telling me that they should selflessly and charitably share with the group the money they fund-raised under the auspices of a non-profit charitable group organization?
1:
2: That they shouldn’t cheat the IRS?
1:
2: That they shouldn’t judge other children and shouldn’t punish them based upon circumstance beyond that child's control? That they shouldn’t act as individual mavericks within the troop and profit themselves personally to the spoils of the cookie money their parents earned for them at the water cooler in their 5,000 person accounting firm?
1: Gee, when you put it that way…it sounds down right unAmerican.
2: DAMN right.
1. Come to think of it, wasn’t it Juliette Gordon Low, the founder of Girl Scouting in the United States, who first said, “Suck it, Suzy. I’m not sharing my cookie dough?”
2: I haven’t heard that one. But yeah! Now you’re getting it!
1: Good deeds, good schmeeds!
2: MY money! MY money! MY money!
1: I KNEW there was a good reason we encourage the girls to leave out the "TO SERVE GOD" line in the Girl Scout Promise, RIGHT? RIGHT?!
2: Wait…what?…no, we say “To Serve God”….
1: “HELL HATH THREE GATES! ANGER, GREED, AND THIN MINTS!”
2:
1: “GET YOUR FUCKIN' HANDS OFF MY CHARITY DOLLARS, SLACKER! I'M NOT HERE TO HELP PUT YOU THROUGH SUMMER CAMP!”
Girl Scout Leader 3: Hey guys! What are we talking about?
1: “BACK TO YOUR DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME, FREAK SHOW GIRL! MONSTERS ARE REAL! AND GHOSTS ARE REAL, TOO! THEY LIVE INSIDE US! AND SOMETIMES THEY WIN!”
GSL3: Okay…so…yeah. I have a scout looking for a new Junior troop, and…
1: SHOW ME HER STOCK PORTFOLIO! WHAT’S HER PARENTS’ EARNING POTENTIAL?! ARE THEY HARD WORKING AMERICANS?!?! YOU PINKO COMMIE! THERE'S NO "T-E-A-M" IN TROOP!
GSL2:
GSL3:
1: BUT THERE'S AN OOP! MUTHAFUCKA! THE RICH GET ENRICHER AND THE JUDGED GET POORER!
Girl Scout Leader 1 Exits.
GSL2:
GSL3:
GSL2:
GSL3: What the hell was that all about?
GSL2: I don't know. She made fun of my Prius.
GSL3: Bitch.
From CNN. Girl Scout cookies in the News.
52 comments:
These aren't, by any chance, the same moms from the ice skating thing, right? And I have some great ointment to take care of the 'hot, green butt' thing.
Makes you want to avoid any organized kids' activities, eh? I'm sure organized religion wouldn't do anything like that. Urg.
Anyway, I must say that this:
“HELL HATH THREE GATES! ANGER, GREED, AND THIN MINTS!”
could be your best line ever. Definite spit-take material. My keyboard thanks you for the coffee.
Are you GSL #1 or #2? Or #3? Or was this a political Christmas allegory?
xoxo, SG
"These aren't, by any chance, the same moms from the ice skating thing, right?"
Amazingly enough, no. It seems that there are plenty of numbskulls to go around when it comes to adults in charge of kids activities.
"Or was this a political Christmas allegory?"
Unfortunately, no. These were just about verbatim lines pulled from several conversations with several representatives of Girl Scout Leader 2, and all within the Girl Scouts.
Unfortunately, there are plenty of occasions when I'm driven to ranting and poor GSL3 walks into the mire.
It's amazing to me that Girl Scouts USA makes me fill out 4,598 pages of paperwork to cover slip-and-fall liability issues every time I want to cross the street with a Brownie, but when it comes to leaders shrugging at the spirit and letter of the IRS laws about how to spend, essentially, charity dollars, they suddenly looks sheepish and say they can't control their Leaders Gone Wild. I bet they could at least manage a hands-on-hip "you're being naughty" look.
Your tax-free dollars at work.
Wait, are you saying that I can order Girl Scout Cookies already? Sweet. I'd go down on a Brownie for some Hoedowns.
Not until January 16 in these parts.
And if anyone is "pre-selling" they get a hard slap.
(So, you want how many boxes of Hoedowns? It's for the troop, don't you know.)
Nobody ever comes to my house, which means I'm relegated to buying them outside the grocery store. So if you email me an order form, I'll buy all of mine from you!
WOW. SRSLY? These are the people who are leading our children's groups, imparting their "values" and teaching them the ways of the world?
GAH!
Thank you so much for posting this. I love, love, love it.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
i f-cking hated girl scouts.
Sort of like the Girl Scout Leader who took my wife to task because she wasn't contributing enough parent time with the troop. And then excluded my daughter from an outing shortly after the talk with my wife. She forgot to call us.
People tend to eff up the simplest things.
Namaste.
Awesome. In the past, our Daisy Scouts were not supposed to sell cookies b/c, well they are 5. This year? Go Daisies Go! Sell, sell, sell! (and, I'm available for pre-orders in case anyone wants to DM me----lol, I'm KIDDING, Jozet! I wouldn't try to step into your territory! fairlyoddmother@inbox.com)
"Sort of like the Girl Scout Leader who took my wife to task because she wasn't contributing enough parent time with the troop."
Leaders need to be upfront on two things: First, that scouting isn't day care. It's important volunteer work that also requires some parental time for the troop to run smoothly, especially at the younger ages. However, leaders also need to be upfront about parental time commitments expected. Some troops say that parents should volunteer at two meetings. Or something like that. It's good to get parents together and make that decision as troop, not announced from on high or in a surprise "you've been naughty" speech. Yick.
But NEVER punish a girl based on what parents are or aren't doing.
I'm lucky - blessed really - in that "my" parents all do what they can when they can. Some years it's more than other because of family circumstances, but as someone who's had her own family circumstances, the breadth and depth of my understanding is fairly vast. For most things. Cruelty to kids is low on my compassion list.
I was Cookie Mom twice in my troop. (never again) I dutifully kept track of who sold how many boxes of cookies for all the various recognition awards. (never again) I kept records of money-in, money-out, cookies-in, cookies-out (never again). And in the end, we tried to make sure ever girl received some sort of recognitiong goodie and that the troop together would benefit by going to the Hershey Park Camp-o-Ree.
All Cookie Moms are automatically included in the first wave of the Rapture. It's a thankless and it's a so, so, so, so, so important job. If you weren't thanked enough, I'm adding on another thank you right now.
ok gsl 1, make sure you send out the emails on jan 16th, i'll need my thin mint fix, that is if i ever expect to suck up to the evil dark lord and find my way through the 3rd gate of hell. do you think that "he who's name shall not be spoken" will understand if i eat all the cookies before entering his domain? ken
You crack me up every. single. time, you crazy Polish Lithuanian.
If you had been my scout leader, I might have lasted past the Brownies phase.
Bwahahaha!
Asshats - they're everywhere.
OMG! Go GSL 1. Kick 'em in the cookies.
The mean spiritedness of some who run CHARITABLE organizations can be astounding sometimes.
Oh my... I had forgotten about all this
I'm just completely slack-jawed. Scouting has changed A LOT since I was making banana boats and learning shit from Susie Safety.
Oh my freakin' goddess.
I HATED Girl Scouts.
"I'm just completely slack-jawed. Scouting has changed A LOT since I was making banana boats and learning shit from Susie Safety."
lol...banana boats.
It's all changed. Basically, no kids club, sports club, band boosters, dance boosters etc. that are 501(c)(3) non-profits are supposed to divvy up money according to who earned how much; it's all supposed to be put into the group fund to support all kids equally, no matter anyone else's judgment on their or their parents' ability or choice to fund raise. And yet more groups than not seem to be using the non-profit designation as a way to run mini-businesses for the benefit of the few. Even the guy at the Attorney General's office told me that his Boy Scout troop does this.
We are lost.
Sweet dancing Sugar Plums!! That shit was to Bees Knees!
I can see how the Troop leaders would get all amped up this time of year.
I've been know to choke a motherfucker for some Caramel Delights. Or whatever the GSA is calling them now.
I'm fairly certain that the "coconut" is, in all actuality, Crack cocaine.
As a Girl Scout Leader for 17 years I can say, "you're right" and "they suck."
What did we do with our cookie money? We got wish lists from an organization called Neighborhood House (kids who couldn't stay in the shelter, but weren't yet in foster care) and bought Christmas gifts for them. We spent about $50 a kid and shopped for about 10 kids. My two troops did this for many, many years and it was amazing. The girls picked everything out and wrapped everything.
I don't know about your troop, but my troop could afford to pay for camp out of their own pockets. I was thoroughly disgusted by the troops that took the money to go to Disneyland, or in one case, a spa weekend.
Now that my girls are done with scouting, I always ask what the troop is spending the money on before I buy the cookies.
Phil again. The "Come to Jesus" talk that my wife received was after the weekly session that she was running with 4 girls working on their Bronze awards. So, she was not only supposed to continue working with the girls and their Bronze, she was also to be helping the rest of the troop.
Yeah, right.
Phil,
I know that those awards the girls work on are intense community service projects, more intense than badge work. At least when done without cutting corners. I'd LOVE to have one or two moms as a point person on that. (And my moms are great about stepping up.)
Your leader was out of line.
Girl Scouting can be an amazing experience and I still believe that. I just hate some of the uphill climb days. But this is my corner of the community service world, so I'll sweat it out. If Obama gets the 50 hours per year community service requirements passed for middle and high school students, I'm golden.
This is our first cookie sales-free January in years.
(Long story: We were going to move, but can't sell our house, but pretty much didn't sign up for a damn thing this fall. Lots of free time...still here.)
I was a GS forever, and my daughter's leader was fabulous. But scouting as a whole is like PTA, or boosters, etc: Lots of rabid Moms, hellbent on stirring up drama.
I loved this post, with my whole heart.
See, this is why I never made it past Brownies.
This former girl scout is laughing--hard.
Can I come live with you? I need someone to stand up for me and protect me from the injustices of the world.
Frankly, if your bunny tale didn't make me love you forever, this one? Sure fire as hell did!
"Because as Girl Scout leader to Girl Scout leader, I think I’m supposed to tear your Trefoil from your chest."
I must say, you're pretty good at this.
sweet merciful Jeebus, i just choked on my coffee i was laughing so hard.
but uh, yeh. i get it.
We made it through one year of scouting. It was really dreadful.
We held a meeting about what to do with the cookie sale money. They're talking about trips to Chuck E. Cheese and the mall, etc. My daughter raised her hand and said, "We could use the money to be more supplies for girl scouts." The cookie sale mom laughed and slapped her thigh and said, "Last year, a girl said we could give the money to the homeless!" Then she laughed and moved on.
My girl looked embarrassed and chastised. I explained to her later that her idea was a great idea and giving money to help the homeless would be a very girl scoutish thing to do.
That was pretty much the attitude that prevailed. I wasn't ballsy enough to say much, though, as I was the new mom on the block.
Your dialogue is inspiring!
After reading your post, it's comforting to know that my daughter prefers soccer.
Where did it all go wrong? I remember raising money or making/collecting gifts for the orphans at the local home. There are still orphans nowadays. When did the needy stop needing?
You should nail this post up at every Girl Scout meeting hall.
Mr. Farty,
You will be happy to know that there are still many wonderful troops and volunteers out there who are doing such good deeds at to warm the cockles of any Scrooge's heart.
However, I'd hate to see more troops slip into the country club mentality. We can always use more good women (and men!) to help steer scouts in the right direction...even follow them at times. Sometimes it's the kids that lead on these things in spite of the adults trying their darndest to screw things up.
Are you sitting down?
I'm a Cubmaster.
Let that sink in for a minute.
Our fundraising all goes in the kitty to pay for merit badges and whatnot, though I have to tell you even if we did it according to earning ability, the boys would all throw in together to get to go camping as a group.
I laughed uproariously.
Then I shed a tear.
Back when I was a girlscout, we learned things like quilting, and we sold cookies around the neighborhood, and the kids whose parents took the cookie forms to their offices were "lucky" and out of the ordinary (and, secretly, we all thought, a little lazy). I have no idea what we spent the money on -- but since I only sold about 15 boxes myself, I can't imagine we had much money to spend in the first place.
I was a GS all the way through the 12th grade. Some of us sold cookies like gangbusters. Some didn't. But we never seemed to be able to spend all the money we made. After a few years of carrying over too much money in our treasury, our Council informed my leaders that the money really needed to be spent, and it needed to be spent by the girls who were members of the troop at the time it was raised.
So, on our summer trip that year we were browsing in a shop and saw some sweatshirts we liked. They were pricey, but when my leader realized we like them, she just shrugged her shoulders and pulled out the checkbook. "Hey," she said, "if they want us to spend the money, we'll spend the money." After that went out to eat and used troop funds to pay for our meal, which included strawberry daquiris for everyone (virgin, of course.) Oh, we spent the money. Yes we did. Every last one of us. It was almost silly how much we spent... but not one of us thought that some were entitled to more money because they'd sold more cookies.
Your post is hilarious, BTW.
I wish you could have been in the room back when I was my youngest boy's Cub Scout den leader. One fundamentalist Christian mom was aching for an opportunity to evangelize one of our little Jewish scouts. I told her "no...not on my watch". I told her that scouting was ecumenical and in no way a Christian organization. That there would be no converting of the Jewish kids because there was nothing about their beliefs that needed fixing. However, I'm sure you could have framed it in an even better (and more entertaining) way.
That? Was awesome. I'm laughing through my sickness now. Thank you.
We have a GS mom at our school (a parent, not a teacher) who used the school copy machine to make 50+ copies of the cookie form and then stuffed all the teachers' boxes with them. Several of us complained to the principal and he spoke to her. But I took it one step further and spoke to a friend who works for the local GS council and from what I understand it won't happen again.
I was under the impression that cookie sales were about teaching the girls salemanship and ownership of the money they earned. What a shame that there are leaders out there like this.
THAT was an amazing, hysterical post. LOVE IT! My daughter just left the GS after 7 years and this is the first year that I am NOT going to cookie training to listen to women SERIOUSLY get combative over who might be pulling their sorry ass wagon around the block just a minute too early!
That was brilliant!
(I dropped in at Rima's command.)
Wow. I think I really don't want to ever be a girl scout leader. Ever.
This is so awesome on so many levels... I don't even know what to say. Except maybe YOU ROCK.
ha ha this is actually my daughters girl scout troop. She did not raise enough to go on the week long family vacation the rest of the troop and families get to go on. She did not make enough money. We only sold 300 boxes of cookies. She has younger brothers and sisters I could not find babysitters for so she could do booth sales for 2 weeks straight. It was only supposed to be a long weekend, but they made so much at booth sales they upped it to a full week.
omg. i LOVE you.
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