Merry Merry!

From Our Blog to Yours!

Here's to a happy, healthy and hilarious new year!

(Don't bogart that eggnog, dude.)

Prima, Terzo, and Seconda

Random Bluh Bluh Bluh

I am drinking wine and I am very toasty. I am not even going to use correct punctuation I am so toasty. Hurrah!

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Jaden of Steamy Kitchen is an evil temptress of butter and saffron vixen of sour cherries and Persian decadence basmati rice warm and soft and syrupy sweet like mouth-watering tongue love laid back on velvet pillows seeped in clouds of frankincense and myrrh with hazy walnut-deep brushed copper man-boy spooning mouthfuls of sex-caviar into my mouth.

Here is the recipe for sex-caviar.

When I'm on death row for killing men softly with Jaden's drop-dead luscious recipes, Persian Sour Cherry Saffron Rice will be my last meal.



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Mother: What are you doing right now?

8yo Daughter: We're playing "hospital".

Mother: You and your sister?

8yo Daughter: Yes. And the baby. He's playing, too.

Mother: Is the baby a patient or a doctor?

8yo Daughter: No. He's the terrorist.

Mother: The terrorist?

8yo Daughter: Like on the NPR news.

Mother: Have I ruined your childhood by listening to NPR in the morning?

8yo Daughter: No.

Mother: Are you sure?

8yo Daughter: Yeah, I'm sure. I'm still pretty happy being a kid.

Mother: Oh good.


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So, I'm on a field trip with my Brownie Girl Scout Troop, and we're visiting a local bank.

Why we're visiting a local bank is because we're earning our Penny Power badge, and to earn your Penny Power badge you're supposed to visit a bank and ask about counterfeit money and learn how to recognize counterfeit money, and what to do if you should happen upon some counterfeit money. But they never tell you the oh-so-important fact of how to make quality counterfeit money - not that I would do such a thing, but, really, it would make for a super Girl Scout craft and even maybe a neato SWAP, I think.

So we go to the bank - all 18 of us - and we meet with the very lovely Ms. Bank Teller, and she shows us how to write a check and how write a deposit slip and she teaches us a mnemonic to remember what president is on what bill, and then she says

"And the place where we keep all money is the vault. Now normally, only bank employees are allowed in the vault. People who don't work in the bank are not allowed in the vault under any circumstances.

However, today, we're going to make an exception.

Today, I'm going to bring all of you into the vault to see where we keep all the money!"


And all I can think is


I'm calling Hollywood with the pitch for Ocean's 14.

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Husband: I am very observant.

Wife: Oh yeah?

Husband: Yes. I am more observant than most people.

Wife: Huh.

Husband: Yup. I notice things - details, subtleties - that other people don't pick-up on.

Wife: Is that right?

Husband: Yessir. That's me. Attentive. Perceptive. Eagle-eyed.

Wife: Huh.

Husband: Yup.



Wife: So what color are my eyes?

Husband: 34C


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When I'm Not Blogging

I'm doing very important research.

I'll have my report on this desk tomorrow.

Thank you.

The Management, Chateau Halushki

A Sartorial E-pistle From My Husband

(Background - I asked my husband what he wanted for Christmas, perhaps keeping in mind something that the girls could pick out and give to him. He said that in spite of the well-worn punchline to the "What to get Dad?" jokes, he actually would like a few neckties. I asked him for a bit of guidance regarding what colors and styles he would like best.)

From: Michael
Date: Friday, December 07, 2007 10:49 AM
To: Josette
Subject: Ties

I sent you a link to a wish list with some ties in it. I don't like novelty ties. In general, I don't like striped ties. Some are OK if they're not too prep school looking. I mostly like abstract geometric patterns. I don't need too many, just a few to round out my collection. I already have a lot to wear with blue shirts. I only have 2 or 3 that go well with my light green shirt. I don't have any really good ones for my red, pink and orange shirts.

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From: Josette
Date: Friday, December 07, 2007 4:55 PM
To: Michael
Subject: Re: Ties

Then I guess I'll return the glow-in-the-dark pop-up naked Frank Sinatra tie I bought for you.

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After sixteen years together, you'd think you'd trust that a person knew you well enough to not buy you a novelty tie for Christmas.

Evidently, I'm still an enigma within a conundrum wrapped-up in a Whoopie Pie.

And of course, now I'll have to buy him a novelty tie.

Which is maybe what he wanted all along, him being an enigma within a conundrum wrapped-up in a very sensible slice of wheat toast.

I tink dis one is reeeeal clazzy and would go well with red, pink or orange.


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Oh SNAP!

I almost forgetted!

NOVEMBER ROFL AWARDS!

Ms. Chicky Chicky Baby and Metro Mama have announced the winners for November. The ROFL Award is basically an award that any blogger can give to any other blogger for a particularly funny-laugh-out-loud-soda-through-your-nose-pee-in-your-pants blog post. All you have to do is email Ms. Chicky Chicky Baby or Metro Mom and ask to get on the ROFL reminder list. They'll send you an email near the end of the month and ask for your nomination. You don't have to nominate every month, but when you do come upon one of those ROFLPIMP! posts, you can give the author an extra Attagirl! or Attaboy! with a nifty ROFL Award button.

Here be their emails:

metro_mama@hotmail.com
chickychickybaby@hotmail.com

And here be my awardee for November:

The very hilarious Melanie at Beanpaste who had me guffawing in glee over this story about her husband inhaling a crouton. Ehem.

Crouton Lung: The Not So Silent Killer

Honorary mention goes to her husband for being a good sport. And for sacrificing his pride lungs for the sake of comedy.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday 12/4/1984
6:17 PM 33 F (1C)

Dear Kid in College

Working late tonight, don't know if I'll get home, thought I'd write you a few lines.

I called D-- last Friday - no answer. Thought he might want to go hunting with us. I'll try again this weekend.We bagged one 4 pointer. Anne had her sights on a spike buck but it wasn't legal so she didn't shoot....

How are you making out with your transportation home for Christmas? If you can't get a ride, make arrangements to fly to Avoca at Wilkes-Barre.....

Anne and I will try to get a tree this Sunday, also start to put lights up. I bought your mom a pair of roller skates for Christmas. She had to try them on, so she knows about them....

Not much to write about, swamped at work. I attend more meetings than Tip O'Neil. Also, I'm trying to figure out how 450 people wear out 3,431, pairs of gloves in 12 months. The possibility exists that some are using them for socks.

I guess you are busy with your finals. All I can offer is give it your best shot...I'll be looking forward to you coming home for the holidays. Hope I can see you for two or three days of the 23.

In closing, think about your transportation home for Christmas. Go to church on Sundays. Say your prayers.

Love, Joe

P.S. I thought I'd write this on legal paper - a test they give to lawyers to see if they can interpret black on yellow.

Dad

October 17, 1935 - December 4, 1999

(I just found this letter yesterday in a forgotten box full of papers. Notice the date the letter was written....)

For some real Wordless Wednesdays, go here.

I'll be wordful again soon.