NaBloPoMoDay 2 : Geek of the Week Award

I’m not going to argue First Amendment.

I’m not going to talk about haters and those who use God’s name to support their argument for being a jerk-off.

I’m not going to talk about soldiers and war and families and dead children, nor am I going to do that “I have friends who are gay, and I feel their pain” thing.

No, I’m going to approach this purely as an algebraic equation gone wrong.

America tolerates gays + God hates gays = Dead soldiers in Iraq

Assuming that any one of those variables represents a real number and not, instead, an imaginary toadstool, there is no way to make a switcheroo with digits and have that equation add up.

And things that don’t add up just bug the snot out of me.

This equation is like the starched tag on the inside elastic band of my panties.

It’s like someone starting off the Shave And A Haircut song, but instead of releasing the musical tension built in the first five notes by answering with the final “Two bits” (see “Who Framed Roger Rabbit"), the singer instead sits down and begins to knit a tea cozy.

It’s like peanut butter and jelly equaling a garage door opener.

Maybe, just maybe, somewhere in the dustiest passages of the Old Testament where God seems to be having a perpetually bad day - maybe feeling a bit arthritic and couldn’t find his hot water bottle - and He acts more than a little crotchety by dropping innocent frogs from the sky, and letting run with the talk about rods and spoilt children, and making other head-scratching rules that possibly made sense at the time, but today sometimes work as little more than “Because I said so. Now go outside and don't come back in until dinner. And we're having fish, again.” - maybe somewhere in there God also had a grumpy moment and said some other mean-spirited things that He would rather forget.


I mean, it happens to the best of us, doesn’t it?

Anyway, my Geek Of The Week has to be Shirley Phelps-Roper of the Westboro Baptist Church.

I’m not going to link to the story and her quotes.

I’m not going to link to Ms. Phelps-Roper photo or her poorly thought-out math theories.

I’m not going to predict that one day God is going to allow Muhammad ibn Musa al-Khwarizmi to go shepherd’s rod all over her sorry spoilt backside.


And I can’t (yet) answer all the other questions and mathematical discrepancies and nonsensical goings-on when it comes to God, those other "1 + 4 = Beefjerky" that also make me scratch my head and rip the tags from my underwear. But I’m pretty certain that God (if you go for the God thing at all) is, actually, love.

That’s a constant in the equation of which I’m certain.



Aw, poo.

I said I wasn’t going to stoop to trite clichés so early in the NaBloPoMo marathon, and there I go with “God is love”.

Damn.

Oh well. I’ll try again tomorrow.

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Now, my sister should be putting up her own Geek of the Week Award any minute now.

In the meantime, don't forget to send your questions for Sunday's Ask The Ugly Sister's advice column where we answer questions on everything from soup to toddlers to how best to fold a map.

Write to us here:
TheUglySister@yahoo.com or put your qeustion in the comments. We already have a question from Concerned in Schuylkill County, and it's a doozy.